Sum of All Parts

You just have to accept all parts of yourself and the way they've come together. You must admire each crease and fold and smile at every scar. You mustn't crop your picture of yourself to fit it into another person's frame. I know this now.

I was sick for a very long time, trying desperately to change the body that I was born into. Each day I examined my body and did everything I could to beat it into another shape...another's shape. I starved and I shrank until I was almost nothing.

I changed my hair in the most drastic of ways. I wanted to distract you. I wanted you to see my hair, not my face. I wanted you to see my hair, not the parts of me that weren't right.

I covered my skin with tattoos to hide its flaws. The pictures that covered me revealed only what I wanted you to know of me. The tattoos were individual snapshots of beauty intended to transform me into something beautiful.

I made fun of myself.  If I hijacked the punchline there would be nothing left for you to say...

...and I drank...a lot...so that I didn't have to continue to imagine what you thought of me. I drank to escape my dissatisfaction with myself.

I was sick for a very long time and the drinking made the sickness spread. It traveled outside of this body that I so despised and began to affect the people closest to me. This compelled me into sobriety and sobriety compelled me into self-acceptance.

Getting sober isn't just about the refusal to give in to a need to drink or use drugs. It's also about uncovering what created that need in the first place. Most addicts will assert that they never felt comfortable with themselves, never felt at ease with who they were whether they were alone or in a group. They used substances to silence the voices of self-doubt and criticism that were constantly echoing within.

When I began my journey into sobriety, I had to closely examine myself, instead of turning away from my own reflection. I couldn't hide my personal truths from myself or from others. This is not optional, but a requirement if you want to get and stay clean. This demands that people like me must unlearn a lifetime of avoidance and suddenly become brave enough to love ourselves. It's like learning to befriend the monster under your bed.

This learning would be impossible were it not for the presence of a roomful of teachers, many roomfuls of teachers, who have walked before me in the path of sobriety. These people have experienced the same feelings and have similarly abused themselves in their battles with those feelings. Their survival is evidence that there is another way to live and that this way welcomes me...all aspects of me, no matter how diseased or ugly.

Today I am willing to accept that my perception of myself has never been accurate. I have always viewed myself through a tarnished lens. My reflection has always been presented in a carnival mirror, warped by low self-esteem. I must now trust the love and acceptance that I receive from those around me as a reflection of who I am. I must have faith that if I love myself I will be nourished and thrive.

I don't regret the past or wish to forget it. The tattoos and the scars that mark my body are a collection of lines that write the letters of my story. They are exclusively mine and that makes them magically unique, just as every part of my body is mine and mine alone. No one else bears the same marks that I do. No one else's feet have carried a body through the same twists and turns of life. No one else's arms have embraced the same people with the same love. No one else's hands have transcribed the same thoughts in the same way.  You just have to accept all parts of yourself and the way they've come together. You must admire each crease and fold and smile at every scar. Don't crop your picture of yourself to fit it into another person's frame. I know this now.